Life has taken a huge turn.
In March I was officially diagnosed with PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, after having a 3 hour long psychological assessment. I struggled with this permanent irreversible undiagnosed brain illness most of my life and now I’m in treatment for it after having been on a wait list for 2 years. But it has taken 5 years for a doctor to take me seriously. Treatment is going okay I guess. I just started. It has been really difficult but I really need this treatment because I’m sick of suffering in silence. I’m sick of having an illness that is taboo and not socially accepted. Sometimes I wish I’d rather be sick and dying of cancer than have a mental health condition. At least people wouldn’t be telling me to “try a little harder” or “get over it”.
It was an honor to have my husband perform with me. I am truly the luckiest bitch in the world! We put this together in a very short amount of time. I hope that we can perform again together some day.
I won another 3rd place medal!
If the world ended tomorrow at least I’d be happy about all my achievements. Thank you. I’m so happy!
Also I’m pretty shocked I even placed. lol. I effed up so bad! I fell out of one of my tricks. Fortunately I was able to recover myself and it looked like I was meant to do that but I wasn’t. That one signature combo trick I’ve done my last 3 performances, I wasn’t expecting to fail that one. So then I was so pissed at myself I couldn’t focus and freestyled some shit. Unfortunately I forgot about some of my other signature trick combos. DAMNIT DAMNIT! GRRRR!!! I was so effing pissed at myself!!!!! ARRRRRGGGHHHH!
See this is why I hate competitions! I am super hard on myself. Everything has to be perfect. And if it isn’t I’m pissed at myself. :p But if this was a showcase, who cares about those mistakes anyways, eh?
Whatever, I’m still happy. The whole competition was amazing. Everyone supported each other. I still had so much fun. Just being part of this whole experience was beautiful! I remember standing on the stage when they were giving out the awards and medals, I was getting a little teary eyed thinking.. wow.. how did I get here? This is epically amazing!
For those of you that don’t really know me, pole is my medication and my therapy. Pole is my creative outlet for self expression. It is my healthy alternative instead being on psychotropic drugs or bad drugs. I have some health problems. If it wasn’t for finding pole, I’d probably wouldn’t be able to cope with life. Pole is my escape.
When I signed up to be in 5 shows this 2014 year, I was setting myself up for a year of being focused on staying on track on the road of health and well being. Like I’ve said before, “nothing makes me so focused, so determined, so dedicated to work hard than training for pole dance shows, performances and competitions.” Every time I have completed a show, I feel satisfied with my achievements. Staying focused on pole means that it will continue to distract myself from my dark issues.
So when I fell ill, I was devastated. I trained my ass off for 2 months for Vertical Love. The Vertical Love show weekend was supposed to be “the weekend” I would remember for the rest of my life for 2014. April 4th & 5th was supposed to be the happiest weekend of the year! But everything went to hell. LOL! It was my second flu of the year. I had a fever for 6 fucking days straight! AGAIN! It was awful. No amount of natural remedies would work this time. My body had enough and crashed. At least I didn’t need antibiotics this time thank god!
My fever started earlier in the week and by Friday I was still too ill to perform that night. I still had to teach level 1 at SASS that night before the show. While teaching I became extremely dizzy. It was very difficult to teach even such an easy class. I knew there was so way I could perform that night. It would be too dangerous. I canceled. I cried all day and all night.
Having a fever for 6 fucking days depleted my strength and changed my body chemistry. Experienced pole dancers know that you need to be in tip top shape to perform those dangerous moves. One wrong slip and I could fall and break my neck or something. There are no safety mats when you perform. Because of the fever I had been sweating buckets. I could not control my sweating. I was panicking at how the fuck I was going to stick to the pole when my body is covered in slimey sweat!
By Saturday afternoon, my fever broke finally but I was still weak. I cried all day worried that I was also going to bail and not perform. Then I received some positive text messages from a true friend and my mind was made up. I will do this. I will perform. Sick or not I’m doing this. I worked way too hard and too long to let something stand in the way of my dreams. Fuck you health. I’m doing this.
So I made it to Vertical Love Saturday night. I managed to perform for 3 and a half minutes. There was still more I had to do in that show that night but after my performance my body gave up and I had to go home. I guess I should just be happy I even made it there to perform.
I practically free styled. I had to make some last minute decisions on the spot what tricks I was going to perform. I remember doing my first climb on the pole I felt my body say ‘uh fuck no’, and I had to change up some tricks to more easier ones because I was worried I would just slip and fall. I remember a few times everything was spinning and I thought I was going to pass out on stage. Luckily I did not. A fumbled and stumbled a lot. It wasn’t my best performance but who fucking cares right? The point is that I made it and did it. At least this wasn’t a competition. Many did not notice my errors thank god.
I did an Anonymous themed performance. For those of you who have no idea, read this article about Deric. http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/anonymous-vs-steubenville-20131127 . He inspired me to become an Anonymous hactivist on stage where I launched my own operation. This was a fake operation for entertainment purposes of course but I think most pole dancers can relate to the point I was trying to get across. We face a lot of discrimination, slut shaming and misogyny. A lot of pole dancers receive a lot of sexual harassment via youtube. This performance I did meant something to me.
I want to talk about something that is a little taboo in the pole world. It is something that a lot of pole dancers are embarrassed to talk about and it causes them shame and silence, but really it is just something minuscule and misunderstood. It’s called pollulite.
Pollulite (rhymes with cellulite) is the event of which muscles are contracted tightly in a pole trick causing the layer of fat and skin to dimple temporarily for the duration of the pole trick. It often gives the ‘cellulite look’ because your layer of body fat and skin cannot contract like your muscles do causing the dimpling look and a lot of dancers are embarrassed by this.
I’ll admit when I first started pole dancing I was embarrassed when this happened to me. I didn’t understand it at first and thought, ‘ew I should work on losing more body fat’ (later realized that there’s nothing you can do about it). I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen pollulite happen in my pole videos, pictures, photography, etc. I’ve even gone as far as photo editing by smoothing the skin with a computer program to magically erase the pollulite. I’ve even witnessed pole dancers avoid learning or performing certain tricks because of the possibility of pollulite.
Here’s an unedited high resolution raw picture taken of me on the pole. Look even I have pollulite too!
Here you can see the skin dimpling around my glutes.
After 5 years of pole dancing I’ve learned something..
EVERY POLE DANCER GETS POLLULITE!
It doesn’t matter how much body fat you have or how little you have, you will still get pollulite.
Pollulite does not discriminate against body fat percentage, age and gender.
There is nothing anyone can do about pollulite.. except ignore it.
Pollulite is natural and normal so let’s get over it.
Who cares about pollulite! Thank god in most performances the light is dimmed or there is special lighting and it makes pollulite blend in better. When pollulite happens, it’s because your muscles are squeezing and contracting soooo tightly to keep you on the pole. Your natural healthy layer of fat and skin dimples because it cannot contract like muscle. This is why you see dimpling. You are human. If your fat and skin contracted like muscle then you must be alien or something.
Look, I have it, everyone has it. It’s time to get over it.
Watch this video…
Before you watch this video, grab a few tissues!
So what defines you? Or, what is going to define you now? It’s your choice. Is it your background? Is it where you come from? Is it the negative or positive experiences? What defines you?
This video turned on a few light bulbs in my brain. Thank you Lizzie! I’m not going to lie– I am guilty of letting negative things define me. I let the abuse I’ve gone through define me. I let toxic people define me. I let my chronic health problems define me. I let my mental health define me. I pretty much let every bad thing that has happened to me define me.
I need to keep reminding myself that I have made amazing gains and successes with the shitty cards I was dealt with in my life and I need to keep reminding myself this. It could be worse.
I was told in College by my professors that I should just quit College and go on welfare because I was permanently damaged from the abuse I went through and I was not going to go anywhere in life. Even though my grades were fine, they had some how found out about what I was going through and felt the need to discourage me from continuing College. Well.. I proved them wrong. I was the only one in my program to not just get 1 job/career, but 2 jobs/careers immediately after graduating! This is just one example. I didn’t let my college professors define me at the time so there! A decade after post-secondary school has passed and I have won every single job interview that I’ve tried for. EVERY SINGLE ONE!
I’ve accomplished so much in my life and I need to remember that. It is my previous accomplishments that define me now. I now use my negative experiences and turn them around and help people.
I still find to this day that I get ‘stuck’ in a perspective and I hear a negative voice telling me no you can’t. Fuck you I will.
It’s 2014 and a new year. I have so much to look forward to. Pole is one of my most happiest things, other than my greatest love of all, my hubby. I used to believe I was weak and fragile. Fuck no I’m a strong beast that I make most men look like wimps. :p
How do I define myself? A strong ambitious bitch who never gives up.
What defines you?
Thank you Lizzie.
Check out Lizzie’s Youtube Channel.
So this morning while sipping my coffee, an online friend told me to check out a kids app on the app store called Plastic Surgery & Plastic Doctor & Plastic Hospital Office for Barbie Version. Well I spat my coffee out and it almost went everywhere. I almost lost my shit to what I saw being marketed to 9 year olds and up.
This app is no longer available anymore. Thanks to the power of the people and their epic complaints, this app was banned this afternoon after the word got out. Here is the screen cap I took of the app this morning when I found it on the app store.
The description says, “This unfortunate girl has so much extra weight that no diet can help her. In our clinic she can go through a surgery called liposuction that will make her slim and beautiful. We’ll need to make small cuts on the problem areas and suck out the extra fat. Will you operate her doctor?”
There are soooo many things wrong with this description! It’s stating that it is ‘unfortunate to be a girl who has extra weight’. Don’t even get me started with ‘no diet can help her’. The point of the game is to lipo-suck out the fat in the ‘problem areas’. Notice how ‘slim and beautiful’ are in the same sentence?
If I were 9 years old I would think;
– I’m not beautiful if I am carrying some extra weight
– once you are fat there is no return other than surgery because no diet can help you
– the only way you can be beautiful is to be slim
– I have problem areas
FUCK YOU Corina Rodrigues! THIS NEEDS TO STOP! No wonder eating disorders are such an epidemic!
STOP TEACHING THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO BE BEAUTIFUL. TEACH SOCIETY TO ACCEPT BODY DIVERSITY AS BEAUTIFUL! ALL BODY TYPES ARE BEAUTIFUL! FUCK YOU Corina Rodrigues, GO TO FUCKING HELL!
I’m not judging people who have had plastic surgery. What pisses me off is an app telling young girls at a young age that slim is the only way you can be beautiful and that is incorrect.
Diversity is beautiful.
Beautiful is diversity.
/end rant.Read More
So apparently most women cannot do 3 pull ups after 12 weeks of training in the Marines? Seriously? Like WTF are they doing? Obviously they aren’t training right! How about the Marines trains their women by teaching them pole dancing? Now you will have strong women that make men look like wimps. :p
It’s Monday morning and I am still in shock. I don’t think it has hit me yet that I won 3rd place. I’ve been kind of.. monotone about the whole situation. Competitions really fuck with your emotions and I am still trying to process how I feel about it all.
My reasons for competing this year was mainly because it was local and I didn’t have to travel far, but also the fact that I hated my competition performance last year and I wanted to do it again as another chance to do my best. It was a personal goal. And I did it.
I still made a lot of errors. My nerves were trying to get in the way but I kept fighting them. It wasn’t the audience I was afraid of this time. I felt fearless in front of people for the first time in my life. The only thing I was really afraid of was my grip.
Grip is like night and day. Some days you have it, other days you can’t stick to the pole if your life depended on it. Sometimes it’s something you just cannot control no matter how much grip aids you put on. The second I walked out on stage I touched the pole to 1, make sure it was the spinny pole and 2, to get an idea of how my grip is doing. The second I touched the pole I knew how it was going to be, slippery.
The poles felt hot! Being the fourth last person to perform that night out of 20 something performers never allowed the poles to cool down enough. This was also partly because the entire competition ran so smoothly that there were no interruptions so the poles never had a chance to cool down. This is bad for me. I always want a cold pole believe it or not. But whatever, it is what it is and you just have to adapt and deal with it.
My performance was definitely was better than last year, but still not my best. I still made a lot of sloppy errors that night. I remember I was going to do the tornado and I felt my grip slip for a sec and my leg didn’t come around properly and I hit the pole with my leg and for a split second I had to look up and catch the pole with my foot otherwise I was going to land on my head. I think I recovered myself very well though! I looked at the audience immediately with a smile in my next trick hoping that the judges didn’t notice but I’m sure they did. hahaha. My biggest problem under stress or with bad grip is that I rush through moves. There were times when I rushed things and times where I forced myself to slow down. There were a few times I could see my feet not properly pointed. I was going to do a dangerous bird as my finishing move on the pole but as soon as I hooked my leg I could feel that there was no way I could finish this move so I just came down sloppy and improvised. I didn’t like it but oh well. I still think I did great and made it up for last year’s shit show.
Because of how stressful competitions are, I kept telling myself over and over, ‘just have fun’. And I did of course! I love supporting the other competitors too. Everyone feels the same way you do and I hate the way I can feel sometimes so all I want to do is make everyone else feel better. The most heartbreaking thing about pole competitions is seeing the disappointment on the other competitors faces when they didn’t win. I can see how bad they wanted to win and I can tell how hard they worked for this. I just wanna give everyone medals! Everyone’s a winner for just being there! Everyone is unique and amazing in their own way! That’s how I think anyways.
I was pretty surprised when I was called for 3rd place. I was so surprised that I couldn’t move for a second and the next thing I know a medal is around my neck and I’m holding flowers. I was almost sad at moment too. I was sad for another pro girl that I secretly wanted to win. She is an amazing performer and so graceful. It was her first competition and she was really nervous and I could tell she was having doubts. I hugged her after and I don’t remember what I said to her but I didn’t want her to give up and I want her to compete again next year. She is so sweet and I like her and I hope to see her again.
First and second place winners wasn’t a surprise to me. Those girls are so bendy and so perfect at their skills! I know I’m not that far away from them now. After that night I feel like I could get first place some day.. at least for Ontario. I think it’s very achievable if I keep at pole. Maybe not next year, maybe the year after.. maybe who knows! Will I compete again? Most likely. I think I’m hooked!
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who helped run and organize this competition. It was a huge success for the Ontario pole community! Thank you Mary for hosting the comp and organizing it. Thank you Fran for all your help with music and organizing. Shelley you are the best MC in the world! Thank you pole cleaners, you are extremely important in the comp. Thank you judges! Thank you audience for cheering for me. Thank you for letting me be a part of this!
All my dreams keep coming true.
Here’s a close up version Jeanie took. This one is better.
This is probably the most inspirational pole video I have seen in a while. This is probably the most drastic effects I’ve seen pole do to the human body. Sticking with pole dancing completely changes your physique! Holy crap look how jacked she is now! This is incredible. This is the truth! Pole dancing is probably the best way to lose weight and get jacked! I’m not lying! It’s THE BEST!
“And once I realized that I could do anything, there was this amazing sense of freedom and I just gave it my all.”
“I want to show you can feel good about yourself. And pole just makes you be this person you wanna be!”