Why I Don’t Want Kids

It’s not that I don’t like children. I love children! I still feel like a kid sometimes so I can really relate to them and get along great with kids. I have limitless patients with kids at work and I can prove that with my successful career working with children.

I’m not really sure entirely what it is and why I don’t want children. But I do have a bunch of concerns.

My main concern for not wanting children is because of my mental health problems. And because of that, I cannot handle any stress period. The slightest trigger will set me off and I cannot get out bed for days. I sometimes stop eating. I sometimes hurt myself. Yeah that’s not healthy!

How am I supposed to raise a kid like that? If the simplest life triggers can set me off, then motherhood doesn’t look so good. I don’t think I’d be able to take care of myself. Not because I don’t want to. But because my moods will override my ability to take care of myself sometimes.

I’m not a selfish woman for not wanting children. I would be a selfish woman to have children and subject them to my illness!

Mental health problems run in my family and it was probably most likely passed down to me too. Why would I want genetically pass down such a horrible illness?

Look I’m just being honest. Is it still taboo to talk about mental health? Well I’m just glad that I live in Canada where I even have a choice not to have children and my body belongs to me!

Actually for the first time in my life, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I also have very little stress and triggers now. Things couldn’t be more perfect in my life. I just don’t want to change anything right now. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m starting to heal from my depression and anxiety but so slowly I doubt I’d ever be healed in time for children.

Right now in my life I am a pole dancer and an aerialist. They are my new found sport that keeps me in shape. Pole has helped me beat an eating disorder and gotten me into the best shape of my life and I never have to go to the gym again. I will only just get fitter and fitter. For the first time in my life I love my body. For the first time in my life my body is mine and I molded it into what I always dreamed of. Healthy, fit and strong.

Maybe I’m just not ready to give up my body. Pregnancy means I will no longer be able to pole. How will I cope without my medicine- pole dancing?

Besides, pregnancy is dangerous. And with my new heart condition re-diagnosed June 2012, I already got a forewarning about the increased risk I am for complications during pregnancy and labour. I’m not selfish for not wanting to harm my baby.

Times are different these days. Being generation Y, I’ll never be as financially well off like our parents and grandparents. Women used to stay home and not even work while the man provided for the family. That’s just not going to work for us these days. I have to work and my only job is not enough. We just get by pay check to pay check. I usually work more than one job any ways. How will I be able to work 2 jobs pregnant or with kids? How will I be able to work 2 jobs and look after kids with a heart condition? I just cannot see this working at all.

You know what’s funny? When I talk about my concerns, no one takes me seriously. Everyone is all like..
“you will regret it when you are older”
“what are you going to do when you are old?”
“you will be lonely”
“you will have no one to take care of you”
“don’t think, just get pregnant”

Sorry I think about it. Sorry I am trying to make a responsible mature life altering decision. Sorry I’ve ruined the family dream. Sorry I have failed my only worth in society.